my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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