'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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