but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize