Dude my mom stole all your condoms
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
