Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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