I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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