Well apparently he's into motor boating.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
