i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
