The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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