i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
