woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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