I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
