Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
