someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
