My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
