saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
