True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm experimenting with sincerity
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
