If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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