bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
