Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
