as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
