I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
