Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
