Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
