Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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