I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
