when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
