I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
