I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
