Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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