Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
