oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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