So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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