Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
