I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
