and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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