listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
