How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
