White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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