If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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