Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
