May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
