Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
