yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
