what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
