I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
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