By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
