Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
