apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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