so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
