How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
