Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
That was an excessively violent trivia night
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
