I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
