No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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