Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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