my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
