i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
