I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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