Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
