Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
