I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
