I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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