New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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