I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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