she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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