So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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