haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
